I feel like it’s been a century since I last wrote something here or wrote anything for that matter. I wanted to write a yearender post at the beginning of the year, but my mind wasn’t ready for it. So instead, I decided I’d try and give you a little life update. “Try” being the operative word. It took me five attempts to compose this, and bless my soul if I ever hit that publish button. If you’re here reading this, well, I guess I deserve a pat on the back. Let’s catch up, shall we?
Where do I begin? 2019 was a tough year, one that I know I will never forget. It felt like two separate years in a span of 12 months. A lot of things happened, good and bad, but all of them are learning experiences nonetheless.
The first half of the year was a bliss. I was over the moon because we finally started constructing and renovating our new home. It was a dream I’ve always had since I was a little girl and it came true right before my eyes. But just when I thought everything was going well, things instantly turned upside down as soon as I entered the second half of the year.
What did Alanis Morisette say?
“Well, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything’s okay and everything’s going right…”
Damn right it does. I wasn’t ready for it. It took a blow, hit me in the chest, and pushed me deep into the ground. Everything fell apart. I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep. Spent days trying to figure out how I missed the signs. Some days I was okay. Other days, I was trying to find ways on how to be okay. Everyday I felt sad, and anxious, and scared, and panicky. I could’ve succumbed to that misery, but I managed to talk myself out of it.
And what did Alanis Morissette say next?
“And life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything’s gone wrong and everything blows up in your face”
It took so long for me to get back on my feet, but yes, life will help you one way or another. The truth is, I may never go back to my old self again. But I know for sure that everything I experienced has changed me deeper and for the better.
By the end of the year, I decided to reconcile with my fears and fight for everything I believe in. For everything that gives me purpose. For everything that gives me hope. For all that is good and well-meaning. Sometimes, the people who breaks you are the exact same people who would put your broken pieces back together. You just have to have a little faith. Learn to forgive but remember to always guard your heart.
For 2020, all I want is a fresh start. My goal is to focus on myself more. Be kind to myself more. Love myself more. I’m taking it one day at a time, always one day at a time. ❤